Words, Just Words

by Joanne Marie Firth

Fitting In/Or Not

I go through phases

In and out

Open and closed

Shy and outgoing

Consistancy eludes

When it comes to people

Fragile and sensitive

Strong and able

Wrapped up in a tattered blanket

Of even more tattered self esteem

Grabbing hold of others

Accomplishments

For there are few of my own

Decades of providing

Decades of being someone to someone else

Decades of pushing my needs away

Angry

At the only one who lies at fault

Myself

I choose to run

Before anyone gets close enough

To notice the color of my eyes

The tint of my hair

The slight tremor of my hands

There is no single place where I fit

I have seen a little

Of a lot

Lived through the harrowing consequences of my humanness

Moving through ordeals quickly

Too fast to take notes

To take notice

My knowledge is deep and pure

Instincts to survive are catlike and intact

Connections made easily

Yet remain not precisely maintained

That would require

Fitting in

With others

The truth is

I  don’t fit in

With me

March 27, 2013

Coventry CT

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11 thoughts on “Fitting In/Or Not

  1. i so relate to your words and to Caroline’s comments. if it is not universal to feel we don’t fit in, i think it is universal to creative souls. i also think we are more sensitive {some say overly-sensitive} to at least perceived hurts inflicted upon us by others, or even our empathy for others’ suffering. i love your poem as a poem. i do identify with much of it. and if true, it makes me very sad if you feel that you have “few accomplishments of your own” because that simply is not true. which doesn’t prevent you, or any of us, from having “tattered self esteem”, does it? your words always touch me very deeply, Joanne.
    i love you!

  2. I think you’ve just expressed beautifully, something we all feel – more or less much of the time. I’m not sure if that’s true (I like to think it is, so I’m not alone) but I know I have and do feel this way often. It’s interesting, on my phone email your poem comes up without spaces like: “phasesIn outOpen closedShy” and for a minute – that really spoke to my word-maker-upper self. I got that. It’s complicated, the way we feel, our reactions to others, known and unknown. My life has been tilted since last fall, and as much as I try to come back to were I was, to who I was then…I can’t seem to do it. I think some days I’ll give up trying, then others when it feels ok, but never does it feel the same. I’m not the same. If it seems like I’m digressing, well maybe I am (you can see how my world is tilted and colored differently now)…
    My point is, this me, like old me, understands and relates to your poem strongly. The fragile nature of our heads, hearts and minds – we universally are the same – and yet profoundly unique. Your feelings when you composed this, are not the same as mine reading it – and yet…
    We both know the frequent nature of not fitting in. Whether we feel above, below or to the side. I can (and do) blame myself for losing touch with people, for closing down too often lately, but I also am trying to cut myself a break. I’m human, and I’m different now. things happen, life goes on, people change and stay the same. For all that we’ve missed, we’ve also gained. I try not to forget about that.
    Sigh…it’s complicated.
    I’ve always known you were a kindred spirit Joanne. xox*12364+10 :o)

    • Thank you for reminding me that feeling this way is okay and perhaps universal. All we can do, is take it day by day, minute by minute, relationship by relationship and do our best. Patting ourselves heartily on the back for the effort. Remembering that our relationship with ourselves is the most important one.

      Unexpected changes happen, on the other side is a brand new us. Let’s embrace who we are today, right now and accept that unconditional love is infinite and as available as it ever was. No matter what we’ve been through. No matter who we are in the aftermath. I love you Caroline, and always will. xoxoxoxoxox x 58080274720478729

      • XOX! And so sorry for the multiple copies!! Hate posting on my phone, I must be the only technology-challenged statistician ever! LOL Love you too Joanne!!

    • No worries about the duplicates, I read them both carefully, word for word to make sure they were the same. It was such a beautiful comment, it deserved two reads and I shall read it even more!!!

  3. OpinionsToGo on said:

    Joanne, I love your poem, open and honest, just like you.

  4. ” . . . .Accomplishments . . . .For there are few of my own . . .”
    Maybe you could redefine “accomplishments” because I think you have quite a few! Maybe it IS in the definition. Hugs to you!

  5. Working through a transition. Writing it out. Letting it go. Moving on. The grip of the past has to loosen before I can move my wings freely.

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