Cloud of Denial

Posted: November 8, 2010 in Uncategorized

On September 30th, 2010 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Today is November 8, 2010. Much has transpired during this time. At first, for whatever reasons, perhaps too much education in holding on to and filtering my feelings, I wrote a post about underreacting. It seemed right at time. It seemed to me that I was going to be able to sail through this diagnosis on a pink, fluffy cloud. First reactions, as a mother was to offer comfort and reassurance to my children. To soften the blow. To make myself appear much stronger and more in control of the situation than I was.

There are many different diagnostic tests  and procedures needed when this disease is found. Information is disseminated slowly and is subject to change as the reports come in. An impression is given from a doctor that things look a certain way, but upon deeper inspection it gets more complex. What ever bubble I had surrounded myself with, burst. I did react. Rereading that original post angered me. It was like it was written by someone else who thought having breast cancer was no big deal. How wrong was I. It is a big deal, it’s one of the biggest deals I’ve ever faced and I have faced a lot. I kept trying to justify it. I kept trying to rationalize it. Bartering that it was ok because my kids were healthy and I would rather have breast cancer as a trade-off.

I admit, I’m very confused. I’m currently trying to regroup to find some balance in my life. I have alienated many people by not speaking the truth. I don’t know how to re-level the playing field while I go through this. My gut instinct is to just drop out until it’s over.  The journey to regain my health is unpredictable. I don’t know how much people really want to know. A simple question, “How are you?”, has become difficult for me to answer.  I know that down the road I will be able to answer a simple question again without agonizing over my response.

My main concern, is getting well. Staying in communication with my kids. Checking  in with them frequently to make sure they feel safe and understand what is going on with their mom. Trying not to shove my feelings aside. Consideration for their feelings and in turn, not suppressing my own. Blowing away the cloud of denial, clearing my head, maintaining the energy and will to continue on with all that this disease requires.

November 8, 2010

Coventry CT

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Comments
  1. Rob Gokee says:

    We’re all here for you, you’re a strong woman and you’ll beat this. And there’s no wrong way to react, everyone is different, and handles stress in their own way. Sending you a HUGE hug:)

    • Oh my goodness, what an amazing surprise to log on and see this comment Rob. You are one of the busiest and most successful people I know, yet you took the time to read this. I am so humbled by your generosity and kindness. Thank you for understanding and sharing your take on things. I appreciate it more than I can say. Bear Hugs back to and your lovely gal. 🙂

  2. Janet Blackford says:

    Joanne, just to let you know how much you are in my thoughts<3 You do whatever it takes for you to get well, its perfectly okay not to feel strong and calm every day, Ralph is right no explanation needed.
    Take care of yourself as a priority.
    Love you loads xoxo

  3. joannefirth says:

    Thank you Ralph. Your words say it all. ❤

  4. ralphrc says:

    You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. You just take care of yourself and your family, and get well.
    We’ll see you if and when you’re ready.
    Just keep fighting.

  5. LunaJune says:

    Thinking healing thoughts for you
    and I truly believe from dealing with cancer with the animals these past 28 years is that it is all about attitude..I have personally watched tumors shrink, and not grow with no treatment but positive thoughts, so my friend I see you healthy and well… and when you are down I will make you laugh and send you a smile.
    Visualizing wellness and when you need us reach out… and when you need quiet just hold our smiles and well wishes close to your heart….

    love and light….shining on you my friend ❤ ❤

    • joannefirth says:

      Thank you Junebug. I agree with you 100% about the positive attitude. I’ve maintained one for the most part and it makes a huge difference in how the day goes for me and those around me. Some days it’s very difficult. Some days it’s hard to communicate. Either way, your precious words always reach me, deeply. I love the way you look at life and see the beauty everywhere. Your light shines very bright and your optimism is a breath of fresh air. Thanks for the time you took to read and pass on your very special wisdom. I appreciate it. ❤

  6. Dani H says:

    You are more loved by more people than you seem to realize. We want you to do whatever you need to do for yourself and your family. Tell us as much or as little as you feel like. Say one thing one day and the opposite the next. All we care about is you. And you ARE one of the strongest women I know and you WILL get through this and we ARE with you, whether you ask or not. Love, Love, Love you!!!!

    • joannefirth says:

      Thank you Dani. You and I know eachother pretty well. You are a generous, loving person and always a pleasure to talk to. I got your back and I know you got mine. That’s a really good feeling. ❤

  7. Caroline says:

    I love you.

  8. First, you dont have to level any playing field. You go with how you feel and your reactions on any given day. Those you think you have ‘alienated’ by keeping your thoughts and emotions to yourself can simply suck it up. Consider yourself, first and foremost, for awhile and if you do take a break, know that those who care will be right here waiting for you.

    Kisses

    • joannefirth says:

      Thank you Diana for understanding. It’s hard to be happy one minute and confused or sad the next. A vunerable place to be for sure. I’ve become a social person and the relationships I’ve devleloped are very important to me. You are most wise and I appreciate your advice and the time you took to read this. Keep writing that beautiful poetry and I’ll be around reading it as you do. Kisses back. ❤

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