Truth

Posted: April 2, 2011 in Uncategorized

Writing

When I started this little blog a year ago I had many reservations. My lack of education always held me back from sharing because I never learned the proper way to write. It has always been something I haven’t had much control over, nor did I try to. It has always been a bunch of words that floated around in my head until I wrote them down. Editing and correcting for punctuation and grammar mistakes don’t happen because I don’t know how. Once something is written, I’m done with it, it is what it is. I know it’s wrong and laden with blatant mistakes but I held firm to the thought that people would be able to see through that, not get distracted, not judge, and accept it for what it is, a creative expression of life experience.

Cancer

I’ve tried to manage many more things than I have been able to. I’ve tried to hold on to my identity as a women and a writer since I was diagnosed. I took a big risk when I made it public the fact that I have breast cancer. It was the eve of breast cancer awareness month and there were pink ribbons everywhere. Everyone seemed to be on the breast cancer bandwagon. I thought by sharing that I had it, I could gain experience about the disease and use that experience to help others. Gradually I began to feel distant from people, people I use to engage before with banter and conversation. I felt uncomfortable and guilty that I bought pain to those I care about. The conversations ended before they started, the banter ended up mostly being about how I was doing, how I was feeling. Though I appreciate the sentiments so much, I wanted things back to the way they were before I got cancer. I didn’t want  cancer obliterating who I am. I didn’t want people to feel obligated to always ask about it every time I popped my head up. I wanted more, I wanted to be seen as me, not a disease. Perhaps my discomfort was obvious and over the months of treatment, it became harder and harder to be a social person. I always picture the clip in Terms of Endearment where Emma tells her best friend, “it’s ok to talk about the cancer”. In reality, it’s not ok to talk about it. It is scary and not socially acceptable. Here on my blog, I’ve tried to write a little bit about the experience I’ve had with breast cancer thus far. Since I’m not sure how much people actually want to know, I’ve written in metaphor or kept the medical details out. There are so many of them. I’ve run out of room in my life to do anything but move forward with treatment and get well. I’ve enjoyed so much the social environment, but for right now it has become too difficult to maintain the energy and enthusiasm  I need to participate in a pleasant, supportive and reciprocal manner. I’ve come to feel a lot of distress trying to remain social and be in treatment for breast cancer at the same time.

Motherhood

Those who know me, know how much I adore my children. When it comes to being a mom, nothing is more important to me. Right now I have a child who is very ill. When one child is ill, all the children need their mom to be strong and in control. I’ve had a crisis this week that I didn’t expect involving my eldest son. His wellness depends on his strength and the strength of myself and the rest of the family. The fact that his recovery will be side by side with mine is simply overwhelming right now.

I ask and need love and support right now. The fight ahead is much harder than I ever imagined. I’m stepping back for a while to mentally prepare myself for what lies ahead. I appreciate the patience it takes to know me. I know it will be understood why I’m going to be unavailable for a while. In parting, I wanted to disclose some truths about me for what reason, I’m not sure. Maybe just to try to set things straight with a lot of people I’ve come to love. I have to fight cancer and I have to be the best mom I can be, those two things alone are all I can handle right now. If there is one thing I would want known, it would be that I am going to give this fight my very best.

April 1, 2011

Coventry CT

Advertisements

Comments are closed.